alpha man

growing up i realize i wasn’t always as expressive as i am now. around girls? i was super shy even when my heart was all in. sure i had a bunch of friends and was close with my sister but with girls, it was a whole different ball game. it felt like no one ever gave me a playbook on how to talk to them. the focus was always on studying, anything else was just a distraction. as a result, i measured my worth in grades, totally unaware there was another way to exist.

fast forward a bit and it’s clear i never fit the “alpha male” type. not the man’s man or the boy’s boy. you know those boys who were well, boys. you know exactly who i’m talking about. sometimes i was fascinated by them thinking, “man, they seem to have all the fun.” but other times? i was downright scared worried i wouldn’t stand a chance if things got physical. so i tried to stay on their good side just in case. even movies reinforced this that the hero always beating the bad guys and there i was excelling in academics but feeling less “manly.” i realized violence wasn’t my definition of manliness. sure i felt anger a lot of it but the thought of harming someone? that was never me.

i even remember asking a friend once if something bad happened on the street, if someone harassed her and i got into a fight with that person, would you like that? she said no, she’d think it’s stupid if i got into a fight. maybe movies teach us to fight and “protect,” or make you wonder if not fighting means you don’t care? what kind of masculinity is that? honestly gandhi ji felt like the real man endure and say nothing, just kidding.

now let’s talk about how boys talked about girls in school or college. it was like a bad sitcom script. you’d hear stuff like “girls only want guys with cars,” and i’d think, “seriously?” we were all fumbling around trying to piece together what sex and relationships were about from jokes and overheard conversations. the day i first learned about sex by overhearing others was a shocker. i thought, “no, that can’t be real.” then you realize your parents have done this and that’s why you’re here. your life changes after that day. suddenly you see the world even your parents in a new light. i remember feeling like a pervert for just having normal thoughts and desires. fifteen years later, people say, “you’ve evolved so much.” the person is the same. we had those judgments built into us that if you think like this, you’re a pervert or something is wrong with you so you keep it to yourself.

there was no outlet for any of this. growing up as a nerd hardly anyone gives you attention; you’re not someone who will have a girlfriend or someone who people find interesting and then it takes a lot of women coming into your life to make you feel wanted. for you to start believing that somebody can like you that somebody can be attracted to you, that somebody can want you. it took a lot of amazing women in my life to change that perception to make me feel desirable. and guess what? every time i shared my deepest thoughts, i’d find others who felt the same way. so many shared feelings, but we never talk about them.

here’s what i’ve learned: there’s no one way to be a boy, there’s no one way to be a man, there’s no one way to be a human. there are many ways. all the experiences are valid, all our thoughts are valid. we just don’t talk about them enough, so we end up feeling alone.